My firstborn daughter Sara has asked me to update my blog, as she regularly keeps hers updated. I asked her yesterday, "What would I write about? Rafiki Kenya was a highlight of my life, and now I'm back here just living day-to-day." She answered: "Life. Just write about your life."
So I will.
Living day-to-day runs contrary to the way I was brought up. I was trained to look ahead and plan my life, my goals, my career. That is how the world operates, it seems, when it is operating well. The problem is that we have less control over these matters than we like to believe we have. Oh, we can plan and dream and strive all we want. But, I have discovered the hard way that "Sometimes we get the bear, and sometimes the bear gets us," as my ex-husband used to say.
Since the system of planning and striving to achieve and perform has not worked for me, I have replaced it with the Biblical concept of staying in tune with God each day, and asking Him for guidance on almost every move that I make. I have given up my Independence in exchange for Dependence on His Will for my little life. There is constant tension in living this way, and I feel a continual internal struggle between the old way that I used to live, and the new way that I am trying to live. I can vouch for one thing that rings true in my heart and soul:
When I am truly in touch with Him, whether through constant conversation in my mind, or reading and studying His Word, or in solo or group prayer, or in praise and worship in community, I always feel more peace, and less anxiety and despair, than at other times when I am not focused on Him.
I believe that we are each a Work in Progress, and that the depth of our clamoring for relationship with God is the sole determinant of our "progess". I believe in my heart and soul that this relationship is the meaning of our lives.
Last night, I was discussing emotional pain with my precious roommate Angela (23 years old), who has also experienced a deep longing to serve God overseas in the mission field. Like me, she experienced the most emotional pain during her mission field work as a result of the vocal personal criticism she experienced from her mission teammates. More personal criticism and less grace from fellow Christians. Why? We aren't sure exactly. But we both realized that we share a need for acceptance and approval from our fellow man, and that we suffer when those expectations, especially of fellow believers, are not met. Truly, we both realize that our sense of belonging and significance in this world should come not from attitudes of fellow humans towards us. It should instead be based on God's attitude and immense love for us. Even so, we fail to experience that truth much of the time. We each find ourselves feeling despair and loneliness because we are not loved enough, according to our own expectations. If only we could always ABIDE in God's presence. Then we would not continually suffer emotional pain and struggle for belonging and acceptance in this world...If only....
Alas, we are mere frail humans--Subject to failure, pain, disappointment, loss & grief, falling short, rejection, abandonment, despair. As you might guess, it's a cold dreary day in Austin, and we have not seen the sun much in the past week. That situation contributes to this lonely mood. So does the stress of preparing for an impending wedding, and the Christmas holidays, and another job change, and another move. This will be my 4th move in 8 years since my divorce, and my 6th job in as many years. The great news is that God has blessed me with 2 years of financial security by opening the door for me to return to my favorite career with my favorite coworkers--San Antonio College Biology Department. YIPPPEEEEE!!!!! I accept that I am truly a science geek, as I actually look forward to reading A&P textbooks again, for a living! It's a passion to teach that stuff, so God is granting me another chance to return to my career passion. Thank you, Lord.
Family responsibility calls now...
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