Today is the first time I have had any time to myself since I can remember, and it was good. It has only been for a couple hours, but that's ok. The little Matheny family left early this morning for the long drive to Amarillo. I've spoken to them, and found that they arrived safely there this afternoon with just minutes to spare before the next snowstorm hit. Thank you Lord! And the kids were great travelers today, so that was great to hear. Linda and Lindsay went to my folks to eat and watch the UT-AZ bowl game. Hook'em!
Carla left shortly afterward for San Antonio, but not before downloading all her music and Christmas photos onto my portable hard-drive, yipppeeee!!!!! Thank you Carla. She is off to work the cheer competition in Orlando next week as FCC staff. It's so amazing that all my girls are pursuing their respective passions. And they all love each other so very much! Even their boyfriends/husbands seem to respect and appreciate one another. It was great to pull together as a united front to make the wedding dreams come true for Julie and Jon, who are hanging out on an island in the Caribbean about now for another couple days, sigh...
It's hard having your kids live so far away. Empty nest is a poignant time of life. My girls don't realize that my focus for 27 years has been them, and that's it's hard to start a new life alone without their companionship. Of course I'm grateful they have their own lives and their own friends, and they seem on course for good futures with loving relationships. That is all such a relief for me as a mother, especially when so many of my peers have no offspring at all, or have children who have never stopped causing them grief. I cannot ever complain about my girls causing me grief, only about their outgrowing their need for me in their lives.
Now I have to turn to the Lord and continually ask, What next? What is my purpose? What do you have in store for me? It seems the best of life is over, and what lies ahead will be anticlimactic compared to the child-rearing years of joy and two-way love expressed on a daily basis. It can't get any better than that. I know that I am expected to let go and "get a life" as the world tells me these days, but that is contrary to my instincts as a mother. As Mr. Biddison always shares at the SACS senior camping trip to the kids and their parents, no one will ever love them as much as we parents do for as long as we both shall live. We may be gone and forgotten, but we never stop loving and needing love in return. Just as God wants to be loved by His children in return, forever... God gave us this earthly family and these relationships to better understand His love for us. All I have to do is think of my love for my children to understand God's love for me. I thank Him for that.
As humans, we need to feel connected to others, and to God, I believe. I am blessed to have made some lifelong connections, I hope, in Kenya. That gives me hope that God will send me back there again. I was overjoyed to receive a beautiful hand-made Christmas card from Margaret and the other girls at Faith House yesterday. The timing was superb, as I had found my mind drifting back to Kenya all week, for some reason I can't explain. I look forward to creating another photostory to share about our safaris there, to supplement the original one on the mission work itself. That one was about work, and this one will be about play. So far, I have at least one friend interested in returning to Rafiki Village with me. Dottie, my friend and family doc, has expressed genuine interest in volunteering her service during a Community Medical clinic in the foreseeable future. We'll see how this pans out. I dream of it, and it seems like a wonderful opportunity to share the love we experienced over there. Perhaps that will become a regular activity for me--sharing Africa and Rafiki with other friends, live and in the flesh! I can't wait to see what God does with those kids we are being given to love and teach and raise to adulthood! I hope I see the outcome in my lifetime!
Now it's time for me to check on UT in the bowl game...good night!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Recovering...
Whew! Busiest Christmas season I can remember in forever! Julie's wedding was amazing, especially because of all the coming together of all the family members and friends to help pull it off at such a crazy time of year. The cold front blew in at lunch that day, which was the only damper in the plans. Julie was shivering all day, and some of the guests were stuck outdoors waiting for the big event, exposed to the elements. Once in the Landa House with the candles burning and wassail scent wafting and the musicians playing, all was cozy and warm and inviting...
We were blessed by the long-time friends and family members who braved the cold and the traffic and the "busy"ness of the season to share in Julie's elegant but free-spirited wedding day event. The dancing was lively and fun, with Carla leading the moves and Joley dancing up a storm and turning heads. Cousins, sisters, friends old and new, all cutting loose to the chicken dance, samba, electric slide, and the stomp dance. What a release! Everyone pitched in to clean up and we shut the place down before eleven pm. I was grateful for a bed at Carla's apartment, while the bridesmaids and some Gordon friends and Carla and Robbie stayed up later to wind down and watch movies with pizza. The morning after was spent transporting various participants to the airports for long, and sometimes delayed, winter flights back to their respective homes further north, east, and west.
Just think--Julie and Jon are hanging out on some beach in Puerto Rico this week, just chillin'... I do hope this is what Julie needs to calm her spirit as she heads back to Houston to finish the second half of Law School. Praise the Lord! My prayers were answered for a happy, safe, successful wedding with everyone returning home safely. Now we say goodbye to 2007, thanking Him for the new additions to our ever-expanding family--Titus James and Jon Flanders. Jon's family was amazing in their help and support, especially Lois, his mom. We couldn't have done it without her. Sara, Philip, Carla, Robbie, and Gary were absolutely essential and selfless in executing every detail of Julie's dream day. She frequently commented throughout the day about how great it was to be so pampered. Carla promptly retorted with a smile, "Don't expect it to last, silly, it's just this day." She knew.
We are all still in recovery mode, as most of us started Christmas shopping and wrapping on the 24th, the day by which most of the out-of-state guests had departed. Can't wait to see the photos from Philip, the professional photographer with the precious British accent. Meanwhile, we are enjoying Nicki's and Ryan's photos so far.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Six Months in America, post-Africa
My firstborn daughter Sara has asked me to update my blog, as she regularly keeps hers updated. I asked her yesterday, "What would I write about? Rafiki Kenya was a highlight of my life, and now I'm back here just living day-to-day." She answered: "Life. Just write about your life."
So I will.
Living day-to-day runs contrary to the way I was brought up. I was trained to look ahead and plan my life, my goals, my career. That is how the world operates, it seems, when it is operating well. The problem is that we have less control over these matters than we like to believe we have. Oh, we can plan and dream and strive all we want. But, I have discovered the hard way that "Sometimes we get the bear, and sometimes the bear gets us," as my ex-husband used to say.
Since the system of planning and striving to achieve and perform has not worked for me, I have replaced it with the Biblical concept of staying in tune with God each day, and asking Him for guidance on almost every move that I make. I have given up my Independence in exchange for Dependence on His Will for my little life. There is constant tension in living this way, and I feel a continual internal struggle between the old way that I used to live, and the new way that I am trying to live. I can vouch for one thing that rings true in my heart and soul:
When I am truly in touch with Him, whether through constant conversation in my mind, or reading and studying His Word, or in solo or group prayer, or in praise and worship in community, I always feel more peace, and less anxiety and despair, than at other times when I am not focused on Him.
I believe that we are each a Work in Progress, and that the depth of our clamoring for relationship with God is the sole determinant of our "progess". I believe in my heart and soul that this relationship is the meaning of our lives.
Last night, I was discussing emotional pain with my precious roommate Angela (23 years old), who has also experienced a deep longing to serve God overseas in the mission field. Like me, she experienced the most emotional pain during her mission field work as a result of the vocal personal criticism she experienced from her mission teammates. More personal criticism and less grace from fellow Christians. Why? We aren't sure exactly. But we both realized that we share a need for acceptance and approval from our fellow man, and that we suffer when those expectations, especially of fellow believers, are not met. Truly, we both realize that our sense of belonging and significance in this world should come not from attitudes of fellow humans towards us. It should instead be based on God's attitude and immense love for us. Even so, we fail to experience that truth much of the time. We each find ourselves feeling despair and loneliness because we are not loved enough, according to our own expectations. If only we could always ABIDE in God's presence. Then we would not continually suffer emotional pain and struggle for belonging and acceptance in this world...If only....
Alas, we are mere frail humans--Subject to failure, pain, disappointment, loss & grief, falling short, rejection, abandonment, despair. As you might guess, it's a cold dreary day in Austin, and we have not seen the sun much in the past week. That situation contributes to this lonely mood. So does the stress of preparing for an impending wedding, and the Christmas holidays, and another job change, and another move. This will be my 4th move in 8 years since my divorce, and my 6th job in as many years. The great news is that God has blessed me with 2 years of financial security by opening the door for me to return to my favorite career with my favorite coworkers--San Antonio College Biology Department. YIPPPEEEEE!!!!! I accept that I am truly a science geek, as I actually look forward to reading A&P textbooks again, for a living! It's a passion to teach that stuff, so God is granting me another chance to return to my career passion. Thank you, Lord.
Family responsibility calls now...
So I will.
Living day-to-day runs contrary to the way I was brought up. I was trained to look ahead and plan my life, my goals, my career. That is how the world operates, it seems, when it is operating well. The problem is that we have less control over these matters than we like to believe we have. Oh, we can plan and dream and strive all we want. But, I have discovered the hard way that "Sometimes we get the bear, and sometimes the bear gets us," as my ex-husband used to say.
Since the system of planning and striving to achieve and perform has not worked for me, I have replaced it with the Biblical concept of staying in tune with God each day, and asking Him for guidance on almost every move that I make. I have given up my Independence in exchange for Dependence on His Will for my little life. There is constant tension in living this way, and I feel a continual internal struggle between the old way that I used to live, and the new way that I am trying to live. I can vouch for one thing that rings true in my heart and soul:
When I am truly in touch with Him, whether through constant conversation in my mind, or reading and studying His Word, or in solo or group prayer, or in praise and worship in community, I always feel more peace, and less anxiety and despair, than at other times when I am not focused on Him.
I believe that we are each a Work in Progress, and that the depth of our clamoring for relationship with God is the sole determinant of our "progess". I believe in my heart and soul that this relationship is the meaning of our lives.
Last night, I was discussing emotional pain with my precious roommate Angela (23 years old), who has also experienced a deep longing to serve God overseas in the mission field. Like me, she experienced the most emotional pain during her mission field work as a result of the vocal personal criticism she experienced from her mission teammates. More personal criticism and less grace from fellow Christians. Why? We aren't sure exactly. But we both realized that we share a need for acceptance and approval from our fellow man, and that we suffer when those expectations, especially of fellow believers, are not met. Truly, we both realize that our sense of belonging and significance in this world should come not from attitudes of fellow humans towards us. It should instead be based on God's attitude and immense love for us. Even so, we fail to experience that truth much of the time. We each find ourselves feeling despair and loneliness because we are not loved enough, according to our own expectations. If only we could always ABIDE in God's presence. Then we would not continually suffer emotional pain and struggle for belonging and acceptance in this world...If only....
Alas, we are mere frail humans--Subject to failure, pain, disappointment, loss & grief, falling short, rejection, abandonment, despair. As you might guess, it's a cold dreary day in Austin, and we have not seen the sun much in the past week. That situation contributes to this lonely mood. So does the stress of preparing for an impending wedding, and the Christmas holidays, and another job change, and another move. This will be my 4th move in 8 years since my divorce, and my 6th job in as many years. The great news is that God has blessed me with 2 years of financial security by opening the door for me to return to my favorite career with my favorite coworkers--San Antonio College Biology Department. YIPPPEEEEE!!!!! I accept that I am truly a science geek, as I actually look forward to reading A&P textbooks again, for a living! It's a passion to teach that stuff, so God is granting me another chance to return to my career passion. Thank you, Lord.
Family responsibility calls now...
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