They say that "Home is where the heart is." If that's the case, then my heart is torn in two. I must confess that I am homesick for my friends and family, including my church family, and that I'm broke, and jobless. Truthfully, I feel pulled by these realities to change my flight plans so that I can come home early (like next week!) to pound the pavement looking for work, and a roommate. I'm going to pray myself to sleep tonight, hoping for answers, or at least direction.
On the other hand, I love these people, especially the kids! They fill my heart. They are as warm as the Kenyan sun, and equally beautiful! This country is intoxicating, the people and their stories and smiles compelling!
Right now, I'm thinking that I could easily move here and support this work full-time someday, this vision for African orphans. It's awesome to think about the potential, perhaps 50 years from now. I really believe in the work. My problem is that I don't feel called to leave my loved ones, my human support system, behind at this time. I would love to come back often, soon, and regularly. But I would prefer to bring a friend, or two. I don't feel called to live here alone as a single woman, at least not now.
It's actually quite lonely here. For a people person, like myself, life would be easier (although not necessarily safer) if I could come and go as I please, and make friends outside these walls, that I can freely hang out with, but I can't. I wish I could say that my love for the children, and their love for me, was enough to sustain me here. Perhaps it is, and I'm fighting it. It's after midnight, and I just don't know anymore.
I feel like I need to make a decision tomorrow, Thursday, May 3rd, about changing my flight. I could use prayers, if anyone is actually still reading this. I doubt that anyone (besides you, Caryn!!!) has the time or inclination to continue reading these ramblings. But just in case, keep me, and my next steps, in your prayers. And leave the light on for me...
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