Solitude

Today is the first time I have had any time to myself since I can remember, and it was good. It has only been for a couple hours, but that's ok. The little Matheny family left early this morning for the long drive to Amarillo. I've spoken to them, and found that they arrived safely there this afternoon with just minutes to spare before the next snowstorm hit. Thank you Lord! And the kids were great travelers today, so that was great to hear. Linda and Lindsay went to my folks to eat and watch the UT-AZ bowl game. Hook'em!

Carla left shortly afterward for San Antonio, but not before downloading all her music and Christmas photos onto my portable hard-drive, yipppeeee!!!!! Thank you Carla. She is off to work the cheer competition in Orlando next week as FCC staff. It's so amazing that all my girls are pursuing their respective passions. And they all love each other so very much! Even their boyfriends/husbands seem to respect and appreciate one another. It was great to pull together as a united front to make the wedding dreams come true for Julie and Jon, who are hanging out on an island in the Caribbean about now for another couple days, sigh...

It's hard having your kids live so far away. Empty nest is a poignant time of life. My girls don't realize that my focus for 27 years has been them, and that's it's hard to start a new life alone without their companionship. Of course I'm grateful they have their own lives and their own friends, and they seem on course for good futures with loving relationships. That is all such a relief for me as a mother, especially when so many of my peers have no offspring at all, or have children who have never stopped causing them grief. I cannot ever complain about my girls causing me grief, only about their outgrowing their need for me in their lives.

Now I have to turn to the Lord and continually ask, What next? What is my purpose? What do you have in store for me? It seems the best of life is over, and what lies ahead will be anticlimactic compared to the child-rearing years of joy and two-way love expressed on a daily basis. It can't get any better than that. I know that I am expected to let go and "get a life" as the world tells me these days, but that is contrary to my instincts as a mother. As Mr. Biddison always shares at the SACS senior camping trip to the kids and their parents, no one will ever love them as much as we parents do for as long as we both shall live. We may be gone and forgotten, but we never stop loving and needing love in return. Just as God wants to be loved by His children in return, forever... God gave us this earthly family and these relationships to better understand His love for us. All I have to do is think of my love for my children to understand God's love for me. I thank Him for that.

As humans, we need to feel connected to others, and to God, I believe. I am blessed to have made some lifelong connections, I hope, in Kenya. That gives me hope that God will send me back there again. I was overjoyed to receive a beautiful hand-made Christmas card from Margaret and the other girls at Faith House yesterday. The timing was superb, as I had found my mind drifting back to Kenya all week, for some reason I can't explain. I look forward to creating another photostory to share about our safaris there, to supplement the original one on the mission work itself. That one was about work, and this one will be about play. So far, I have at least one friend interested in returning to Rafiki Village with me. Dottie, my friend and family doc, has expressed genuine interest in volunteering her service during a Community Medical clinic in the foreseeable future. We'll see how this pans out. I dream of it, and it seems like a wonderful opportunity to share the love we experienced over there. Perhaps that will become a regular activity for me--sharing Africa and Rafiki with other friends, live and in the flesh! I can't wait to see what God does with those kids we are being given to love and teach and raise to adulthood! I hope I see the outcome in my lifetime!

Now it's time for me to check on UT in the bowl game...good night!

Recovering...

Whew! Busiest Christmas season I can remember in forever! Julie's wedding was amazing, especially because of all the coming together of all the family members and friends to help pull it off at such a crazy time of year. The cold front blew in at lunch that day, which was the only damper in the plans. Julie was shivering all day, and some of the guests were stuck outdoors waiting for the big event, exposed to the elements. Once in the Landa House with the candles burning and wassail scent wafting and the musicians playing, all was cozy and warm and inviting...

We were blessed by the long-time friends and family members who braved the cold and the traffic and the "busy"ness of the season to share in Julie's elegant but free-spirited wedding day event. The dancing was lively and fun, with Carla leading the moves and Joley dancing up a storm and turning heads. Cousins, sisters, friends old and new, all cutting loose to the chicken dance, samba, electric slide, and the stomp dance. What a release! Everyone pitched in to clean up and we shut the place down before eleven pm. I was grateful for a bed at Carla's apartment, while the bridesmaids and some Gordon friends and Carla and Robbie stayed up later to wind down and watch movies with pizza. The morning after was spent transporting various participants to the airports for long, and sometimes delayed, winter flights back to their respective homes further north, east, and west.

Just think--Julie and Jon are hanging out on some beach in Puerto Rico this week, just chillin'... I do hope this is what Julie needs to calm her spirit as she heads back to Houston to finish the second half of Law School. Praise the Lord! My prayers were answered for a happy, safe, successful wedding with everyone returning home safely. Now we say goodbye to 2007, thanking Him for the new additions to our ever-expanding family--Titus James and Jon Flanders. Jon's family was amazing in their help and support, especially Lois, his mom. We couldn't have done it without her. Sara, Philip, Carla, Robbie, and Gary were absolutely essential and selfless in executing every detail of Julie's dream day. She frequently commented throughout the day about how great it was to be so pampered. Carla promptly retorted with a smile, "Don't expect it to last, silly, it's just this day." She knew.

We are all still in recovery mode, as most of us started Christmas shopping and wrapping on the 24th, the day by which most of the out-of-state guests had departed. Can't wait to see the photos from Philip, the professional photographer with the precious British accent. Meanwhile, we are enjoying Nicki's and Ryan's photos so far.

Six Months in America, post-Africa

My firstborn daughter Sara has asked me to update my blog, as she regularly keeps hers updated. I asked her yesterday, "What would I write about? Rafiki Kenya was a highlight of my life, and now I'm back here just living day-to-day." She answered: "Life. Just write about your life."

So I will.

Living day-to-day runs contrary to the way I was brought up. I was trained to look ahead and plan my life, my goals, my career. That is how the world operates, it seems, when it is operating well. The problem is that we have less control over these matters than we like to believe we have. Oh, we can plan and dream and strive all we want. But, I have discovered the hard way that "Sometimes we get the bear, and sometimes the bear gets us," as my ex-husband used to say.

Since the system of planning and striving to achieve and perform has not worked for me, I have replaced it with the Biblical concept of staying in tune with God each day, and asking Him for guidance on almost every move that I make. I have given up my Independence in exchange for Dependence on His Will for my little life. There is constant tension in living this way, and I feel a continual internal struggle between the old way that I used to live, and the new way that I am trying to live. I can vouch for one thing that rings true in my heart and soul:

When I am truly in touch with Him, whether through constant conversation in my mind, or reading and studying His Word, or in solo or group prayer, or in praise and worship in community, I always feel more peace, and less anxiety and despair, than at other times when I am not focused on Him.

I believe that we are each a Work in Progress, and that the depth of our clamoring for relationship with God is the sole determinant of our "progess". I believe in my heart and soul that this relationship is the meaning of our lives.

Last night, I was discussing emotional pain with my precious roommate Angela (23 years old), who has also experienced a deep longing to serve God overseas in the mission field. Like me, she experienced the most emotional pain during her mission field work as a result of the vocal personal criticism she experienced from her mission teammates. More personal criticism and less grace from fellow Christians. Why? We aren't sure exactly. But we both realized that we share a need for acceptance and approval from our fellow man, and that we suffer when those expectations, especially of fellow believers, are not met. Truly, we both realize that our sense of belonging and significance in this world should come not from attitudes of fellow humans towards us. It should instead be based on God's attitude and immense love for us. Even so, we fail to experience that truth much of the time. We each find ourselves feeling despair and loneliness because we are not loved enough, according to our own expectations. If only we could always ABIDE in God's presence. Then we would not continually suffer emotional pain and struggle for belonging and acceptance in this world...If only....

Alas, we are mere frail humans--Subject to failure, pain, disappointment, loss & grief, falling short, rejection, abandonment, despair. As you might guess, it's a cold dreary day in Austin, and we have not seen the sun much in the past week. That situation contributes to this lonely mood. So does the stress of preparing for an impending wedding, and the Christmas holidays, and another job change, and another move. This will be my 4th move in 8 years since my divorce, and my 6th job in as many years. The great news is that God has blessed me with 2 years of financial security by opening the door for me to return to my favorite career with my favorite coworkers--San Antonio College Biology Department. YIPPPEEEEE!!!!! I accept that I am truly a science geek, as I actually look forward to reading A&P textbooks again, for a living! It's a passion to teach that stuff, so God is granting me another chance to return to my career passion. Thank you, Lord.

Family responsibility calls now...

Re-entry Issues part 2:

It's time for me to bring it up again--that relentless, nagging burden of guilt and confusion about returning to our gluttoness society, where we all seem to take clean running water, electricity, and toilets for granted. The strange phenomenon is that I miss all of these luxuries, especially the pristine views and visibly clear air. But I resent the fact that we all expect it, and that we go on chasing wealth as if we are entitled to it, as an end in itself. "Conspicuous consumption" bothers me. It disturbs me about myself, and about our society in general.

My missions pastor met with me last week, and offered to counsel me if I have difficulty with this issue, as he says it is common upon reentry to the states. Last night, I attended our second family birthday, in as many weeks, at the most expensive restaurant in town, as a dinner guest celebrant. Also present was my brother, who once climbed Mt. Kilamanjaro in Tanzania. He asked me if I was overwhelmed by eating in such a place after spending so much time in Africa. I replied that it was much more difficult two weeks ago, just the day after coming back. Sadly, I felt comfortable there last night, as the trip memories are already beginning to fade into longterm memory areas of the brain.

While there, I lived in a very sheltered village for three months, and still saw poverty every single day, but moreso when we drove or walked outside our gate to go into the world. The world outside our walls made our campus seem very ritzy and luxurious. Some Kenyans, like former driver David, that are "middle class", resent the conspicuous consumption typified by the elaborate homes and lifestyles that white foreigners build and buy when they move to Kenya. I don't blame them. It must hurt. I hurt for them--being trapped with no way out, not in this lifetime.

Whenever I work on creating my musical slide show on my computer, which I am burning onto a cd for presentations, I get choked up. I miss David, Munythia, Clint, Kilonzi, Mary, Kasyoka, Amos, Johnson, Blessed, Catherine, Sarah, Faith, Stella, Kevin ... and the list goes on and on. I miss the mamas and Lillian's crew. I miss the new friends I met in Kenya--Maggy and Paul, Mercy and Jael, Gretchen and Margaret and all the JSS students. It's hard not knowing when and if I will see them again. I now check my American Airlines bulletins every month to see how many free airline miles I need before I can fly back there for free. Only 20,000! I figure that will take me about 2 years to earn, best guess. I feel guilty about living in luxury, knowing most of them live with much less. I want what I have for them, all of them. I want the hope of a better life. I want them to have the access to health care and basic necessities and travel and reliable electricity and career opportunities. Some will have it because of Rafiki, some day. Those outside the walls, educated or not, may never have what I have. That saddens me. I have too much, they have too little. I don't deserve what I have. They deserve more than they have. Don't they?

Anyway, the photos I'm posting are mostly of Kenyatta House, the main house where YL lives and many of the FT missionaries have offices. It's also where we host dinners for the medical teams and home office teams, which are always special occasions. Finally, it's where we set up our Internet Cafe when we lost the wireless capacity for our campus computers. I spent many hours there. It's beautiful, part of the oasis feeling. The African artifacts and art are fabulous. I regret not taking more photos of the interior, as it is absolutely lovely.

Re-Entry Issues, part one

It is interesting trying to adjust back to our culture. I had happily left the frenetic pace behind for three months. Now I find myself fending it off again, seeking solitude. I have missed my Downtime so much, both there, and here, since I've been back. I have missed just puttering around the apartment cleaning out closets, and walking during sunset at my own pace, on my favorite hills, while listening to P&W music and chatting with God. Today, I just quietly cancelled all my plans and commitments, as the time for each one approached. I discovered that inertia was ruling my mind and body. Although I felt somewhat guilty, I just took the path of least resistance and stayed here. I feel good about what I accomplished, like making piles of stuff I need to give away, and cleaning off my bed, and generally sorting and organizing. I finally took the time to create my first audio/visual Rafiki CD. The first one is 7 minutes long, and covers two African songs from Mwangaza cd, with primarily photos of our toddlers during enrichment each morning. The second one is about the preschool, primary, and JSS kids, although it's not complete yet. It will end with kids in the cottages at night, when we do our evening enrichment and devotionals. These two cover our work. The third will be our play, mostly Amboseli safai and the beach at Mombasa. My baby Carla taught me how to create these using photostory3 software. It's a learning process. Maybe I'll finish tomorrow, on Sunday afternoon. That way i will have visuals to accompany my story, should anyone ask to hear about it. So far, just my Northwest Community Group and Charlene from VBS have made a request. Oh, and Daniel Grell, my missions pastor.

It was very peaceful here today, with no human contact whatsoever. I thought about being lonely, but I wasn't. I have so much to do in order to simply and organize my new life. And it is new, as I know that I have changed. The changes are subtle, or inapparent, to the casual observer. The first week back, I jumped into every opportunity to see my friends and fam again. I was chasing the job, too. There were all sorts of family obligations, because it's May, our family's crazy month. I was energized about coming home, enough to attend so many events these past two weeks. I threw myself in there, a bit freaked about having to see everyone again for the first time, and answer questions that I am not ready to answer. But I did it anyway.

And now I need to retreat, and just say "no" sometimes. I cannot, will not, get sucked back to that obsessive lifestyle of chasing money and activities, just to avoid slowing down and feeling. It's ok to feel now--to feel whatever, good or bad. Now I know where to go with those feelings, and how to handle them.

I have posted some photos of Wageni House where I lived, with 16 other MiniMissionaries over the course of my 3-month stay. It felt like a five-star hotel when I arrived, especially compared to the two other mission trips that I was considering, both to Sudan. On one, I would have lived in a thatch hut. On the other, in a small tent. There is always next time...

Home Sweet Home Away from Home

Well it's great to be back! I do love Austin, and it's heartwarming to be reunited with family, friends, and church community. It's now one week since I set foot on American soil, and I'm still pondering how Rafiki Kenya has changed me. Below are some of the most common questions that I've been asked this week, and my unhesitating responses:

1. "Did you like it over there?" I LOVED IT!

2. "Would you go back anytime soon?" ASAP!

3. "Would you go back with Rafiki?" ABSOLUTELY!

4. "Would you still consider becoming a long-term missionary?" SIGN ME UP!

5. "What is the best thing about Africa?" THE PEOPLE, THE CHILDREN, THE ANIMALS, THE MUSIC, THE DANCING, THE ART, THE LANDSCAPE, THE SHOPPING, THE LOVE!

Some ask, "How do you feel about being back?" The answer is that I feel great about it, for now. I never knew I could totally love two places so much, but my pastor Jeff says he believes it's possible. It must be.

Below I have listed the things I appreciate more than ever about this place, Austin.

1. Family and Friends

2. My church community--FEFC (First Evangelical Free Church)

3. Paved roads--everywhere!

4. Freedom to go anywhere I want, whenever I want.

5. My own wheels (good ole soccer/cheer mom minivan- 2000 toyota sienna with 173K miles) and my own "modern" 2001 PC!!!

6. Austin hills, lakes, and sunsets

7. My apartment and my favorite bed

8. Pets (other people's, as mine are farmed out)

9. Entertainment and abundant culture--music, dancing, art, comedy

10. No curfew

11. Clean air and water

12. Escape from Nairobi traffic and dust

And now, the things I miss the most about my stay there:

1. My 96 adopted children from infants to 20-somethings

2. The Kenyan adult friends that I made, and the friendliest staff ever at the tourist resorts!

3. The abundant tropical birds and flowers--the sights, sounds, and fragrances, especially of plumeria and bouganvilla, and the silly Ibis birds that cawed like roosters crowing to announce the dawn, and the precious family of Egyptian geese with their 8 baby goslings, all honking at once!

4. The safaris--both walking and driving, and all those huggable African animals! Love'em!!!

5. The beauty of the Great Rift Valley, and the road to Naivasha and Limuru

6. The beauty of the Indian Ocean and neon tropical fish

7. The warmth of all the people, and their sense of humor--Kenyan, British, American, Indian, Russian, Asian...

8. The rich cultural and international diversity, and the charm of the British influence

9. The many, many national churches and their music and dancing, especially in Kibera!

10. The African skies--rain or shine! Absolutely Gorgeous!

11. The crisp, cool (high altitude) morning and evening air..

12. Escape from Austin traffic and rapid pace of life

Feel free to shoot me anymore questions you might be wanting to ask. Also, I hope you enjoy the photos, mostly Anna, Laney, and Ellie's pics of our wonderful lodge, Ol Tukai. You can see that it was a beautiful, romantic setting. Although it set me back about twice what I thought safari was going to cost, it was worth every bit. Let's just say this was one of the reasons I had to come back earlier to find work, LOL!

Ciaou!